Notes: This is Heero POV, and delves a little into how the whole situation is involving the other pilots, which I wanted to do.

Oh, Gods, this was killing me. How could he do this? I finally, finally admit that despite my best efforts, I cared for him, a lot more than I should, and what does he do? He takes a fucking shower! Dammit, that was not what I needed. Of course, I’m not entirely sure what I needed, but I know it wasn’t that! Reassurance would’ve been nice. ‘That’s okay, Heero, it happens to the best of us’ or ‘Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you weak’ or ‘It’s cool, we can still be soldiers’ or even ‘Good, ‘cause I care about you, too.’ Yeah, that would’ve been nice to heart. But do I get that? No. Dammit!

Okay, Yuy, calm down, now is not the time to get pissed at that braided baka. Alright, think. Why would Duo do that? That’s what’s important here, right? Duo. Okay, so, let’s review the conversation. It had been… embarrassing, probably, for him, and uncomfortable for us both, and… after what happened earlier… maybe it was… too much?

‘I may run, and I may hide, but I never tell a lie, that’s me in a nutshell’. His stupid motto, which I had previously thought was utter nonsense, but… what if it was true? Was he… hiding from me? Was he running away from… me caring about him? Oh, God, was he… did he not like me caring about him?

I wasn’t used to these feelings of insecurity, never actually been insecure about anything before, and I discovered something. I didn’t like it.

Sighing, I got up and walked down the hall to the bathroom door. I could hear the shower running, but tuned that sound out. Feet sliding on the slippery bottom of the tub, the dial clicking as he adjusted the heat, the soap clattering in its little dish, but nothing about how he might possibly feeling. Damn.

I sighed again and was about to turn away and go downstairs when I heard something else: a dull, wet thump, one I recognised as a wet, limp body hitting the ground. Oh, Gods, was something wrong? Was he hurt? Had he fainted?

My hand was on the doorknob, about to break down the door, when I heard another noise: his breath hitching. I listened closely, and it was followed by a tiny little hiccup that was quickly muffled.

Oh… oh, Gods. He was crying. We’ve been through a lot together, battles, explosions, deaths, torture, and I have never, ever, seen Duo Maxwell even in the remote vicinity of tears.

I wanted to go in there and comfort him, hold him and reassure him, but… I didn’t want to be rejected. And I was sure I would be. Once again, I was stuck. I wanted to comfort him, but didn’t want to be rejected, and if I comforted him, I would be rejected. Can’t one thing in my fucked up life be simple and easy?

Sighing yet again, I turned and silently walked downstairs, going into the kitchen and flicking on the light, which seemed harsh and… unforgiving, as if telling me that I should be upstairs, holding Duo. It was a mark of my sleep-deprived, emotionally-confused, and utter fucked-up state of mind that I could think of the kitchen light reprimanding me.

I shook my head and flicked on the kettle, getting out two cups and the pot of instant coffee. I didn’t really think Duo would be willing to sit down and drink coffee with me but… I was hoping. Funny, huh? I’ve never really had hope before, not about anything, and when I finally get it, is it about anything war-related? Nope. It’s about Duo sitting down and drinking a fucking cup of coffee with me.

“Gods, my head is a mess,” I whispered to myself.

“Heero?” Quatre’s sleepy, unsure voice asked, and I jerked my head up to see him standing in the doorway. “What’s going on?”

“Duo’s awake.”

“I figured that out when I heard the shower running.” He sat down at the table and looked at me. “What happened?”

I sighed for the fourth time and struggled with what to say. It seemed very personal, what had transpired between me and Duo, and I didn’t want to share it, but I knew that I had to say something.

“We talked,” I eventually said. “And I think it was too much for him to handle.”

“Ah. Makes sense. He’s… fragile, right now, though you don’t have to tell him I said that. What are you gonna do tomorrow? Or, later today, rather?”

That was a bloody good question, and I wondered if I had an answer. What exactly was I planning on doing today? I don’t think Duo was up to more talking, but we needed to talk. He probably wasn’t up to facing the others, but I think they might want to talk to him. He wanted to cut but couldn’t, and so was probably going to want to find his blades, which he couldn’t. Shit, in a word.

“I dunno,” I was forced to admit after a while. “I think I’ll just shadow Duo and make sure that he doesn’t…”

“Have another breakdown?” Quatre supplied when I hesitated, and I smiled ruefully.

“Hai.”

“I spoke to Wufei and Trowa. I didn’t tell them a whole lot of detail, but I said enough to get them concerned.”

“Concerned?”

“Yes. Believe it or not, they both really like Duo, sort of like a brother, though Wufei will deny it under torture, and they don’t want him to be like this. They’re gonna follow your lead, whatever you decide to do, and I told them not to pressure Duo into talking or anything, and to just behave as if everything’s normal, though I did order Wufei to curb the insults.”

“Good, I don’t think Duo can handle it.”

“Does it really get to him that much?” Wufei asked softly, walking in and sitting down at the table with Quatre. He didn’t look all that good, actually, and I absently noted that he was quite handsome with his hair down. “I thought he knew that I didn’t really mean the majority of what I said to him.”

“He does know that,” Quatre assured him, and then added, “Sort of. His head knows that you don’t mean it, but his heart… doubts. If he was perfectly fine, he wouldn’t think twice about whether or not you meant what you said, but with all his other… problems…..”

“Don’t people normally have therapy sessions during the day?” Trowa murmured, covering a yawn with his hand.

“Duo woke up, so that explains why I’m awake, I don’t know about the other two,” I said.

“I’m awake because Duo’s emotions are weighing on my heart,” Quatre explained.

“I’m awake because I’m not asleep.”

“Fair enough.”

“Why are you awake?”

“Couldn’t sleep without Quatre. So, Heero, how’s Duo?”

“Shitty, I think is the word he would probably use.”

“Oh.”

I sighed, moving to the only remaining seat at the table, and run a hand through my hair. “He’s… not like he was yesterday, not so… jittery, but… he still wants his blades. I think, deep down, he knows that I can’t give them back, but he wants them back.”

“Where did you actually hide them?” Wufei asked curiously, and I smiled wanly.

“There’s a crack in the wall in one of the corners of my room, right at the bottom, and it’s just big enough to hide them, but not big enough to draw attention, mainly because every room in this place has at least one crack in the wall.”

“Clever.”

“Thanks.”

Things got quiet for a few moments, each of us absorbed in his own thoughts, and I was surprised when Wufei broke the silence.

“I always wondered about him, you know,” he said suddenly, and we all looked at him. “I always wondered how could a Gundam pilot, a terrorist, be so vibrant and happy, especially with his background. It took him weeks to explain to me that if you get so absorbed in the big picture, you lose the point. You have to take pleasure in all the little things, like watching your favourite TV show, or drinking coffee, or watching the sun rise. He told me that it was the little things that made up the big picture, and you couldn’t forget about them. After that, I did start taking more notice of the little things. And I also started listening to him more. He’s deceptively clever, isn’t he?”

“Very much so,” Quatre agreed. “He hides it well, but whenever we’re going over a mission, he’ll make these little flippant remarks that actually prove to be very intelligent. He knows how to get around obstacles and hide from things, how to manipulate the enemy into doing what he wants. He’s a very good strategist.”

“But better at stealth,” Trowa murmured. “I was surprised at that, that someone so boisterous could be a stealth master, but the amount of times I’ve seen him sneak into bases, complete a mission and escape without getting caught…. He even walks silently, when he’s not running or dancing. I mean, he bounces around a lot and talks loudly, but his feet never make a sound.”

“Duo’s got a lot of good qualities,” I said. “But he doesn’t see that. He only sees his failures.”

“Like what?”

“Like not being able to protect all his gang during the plague, like not being able to protect those people at the Maxwell Church, like not being able to do things perfectly the first time. He’s not a perfectionist, but those little mistakes eat at him, and with everything else in our lives, all the pain and death and blood and crap….”

“It’s not uncommon,” Trowa said. “Cutting gives him this kind of release. It’s like pressure, building up inside, and cutting releases that pressure, let’s you think again. The more you cut, the more the need to cut increases, until eventually, cutting won’t work and he’ll kill himself.”

I frowned at him, at the matter-of-fact tone of his voice. “How would you know so much about this?”

He raised his eyes to look at me and smiled sadly. “Why do you think I always wear long sleeves?”

“You mean….”

“For a while, yeah, I cut. I stopped a couple of months ago. I recognised Duo’s symptoms last night, though my case wasn’t as… extreme.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“Quatre.” He turned and smiled at the blonde sitting beside him, and Quatre smiled back, interlacing his fingers with Trowa’s. Then he looked back at me, eyes serious again. “The point is, Heero, that I got through it, I found other ways of coping, but Duo’s had longer of this shit than me. His whole fucking life has been full of crap, not just this war. He’s gone farther down the path than I did, and if you don’t do something right now, you won’t be able to stop him.”

Well, no pressure. And why was it all up to me? Couldn’t they help me just a little with this? I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.

“Heero, he won’t accept our help,” Quatre said, perhaps sensing my emotions. “He’ll barely accept yours, but he will never accept ours.”

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn’t want to appear… weak, in front of us. He feels that you… won’t condemn him for his problems. I don’t know why he feels that, but he does.”

I hesitated, biting my lip before asking, “Is he… is he better than… yesterday? I mean, I know not completely but… is it… the jitteriness… has it faded a little bit?”

He nodded sympathetically. “Yeah. He can handle it now. But it’s still there, Heero. He hasn’t gotten over this. I think it’s going to be a long time before he does, and he’s gonna need you there every step of the way.”

“I’ll always be there!” I insisted, surprising everyone with the vehemence of my voice, even me. I blinked and forced myself to calm down. “Sorry. I’m just a bit… stressed.”

“Then my news probably won’t help,” Wufei sighed, and I looked at him sharply. “I received a mission last night, while you were upstairs with Duo. It’s a joint mission, pretty simple search and destroy, low risk but big enough for two Gundams. Your laptop also beeped. We leave at noon.”

Shit fuck bugger damn. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t go away and leave Duo alone. What if he got jittery again? Who would be there to soothe him through it? Quatre and Trowa didn’t know what I had done and I doubt it would work if they tried it. Or, if I went, and something went wrong, if I got captured or killed….

“Can’t someone else go on the mission?” Quatre asked, and Wufei frowned.

“I don’t know. We’ve never actually wanted to change missions. I guess, I can send an email to Master O and ask. Maybe he’ll let someone else join me.”

“It’s been a while since I had a mission, and Heavyarms is in perfect condition. With the amount of firepower I bring, I should be able to cause the same amount of damage as Wing."

“I don’t care if anyone else can go or not,” I said, coming to a decision. “I am not leaving Duo. Mission refused.”

They all stared at me, which was expected. I had never refused a mission, and hadn’t thought I ever would, but…. Duo was more important right now.